The Trouble with Boys :: Personal Narrative, Autobiographical Essay

My sister asks me how I am. I tell her I’ve been unproductive, distracted, and irritable. Â   I've been in a place before where I really didn't care to be dating anyone at all, but when I'm in that place it's usually because my defenses have gone haywire and are slaughtering innocent passers-by. It's not a lot of fun, I gotta tell you. What I can't remember is whether it's more fun - or less not-fun - than what I'm feeling now. Â   I mean, he seemed like a nice guy. He loves his mother. He holds down a good job. He said just enough of the right things that I believed him. Clever boy. Â   So now I'm shuttling distractedly back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for him - the first, because I've been here too goddamned many times already and why don't these boys ever hang around? and the second because, bless his little heart, he never even gave himself the chance to know just how wonderful I am. It's irritating. Â   What bothers me almost as much, though, are the friends who, when I'm cool with things and don't care whether I date anyone or not, warn me that I'll be alone forever if I don't let down my defenses and open up to the possibility of meeting Mister Wonderful, but when I'm all in a terrible state because the guy for whom I've finally let down my defenses seems to be dumping me, tell me I shouldn't care whether he wants to see me or not, because I'm allathat and a bag of chips anyway and I'll be fine on my own. Â   Seems like good advice: care enough but not too much, want to see him but not care whether he wants to see me, keep my defenses in check but up and running... but I have yet to figure out how to do all these things at once. And while I am fine on my own, I'd kinda like the opportunity to be fine with someone for a while. Â   I have a friend for whom this is not a problem. Her tactic, upon suspecting she's being ditched, which she would like me to emulate, is to put on her sassiest attitude and start dating someone else - preferably one of his friends.